After my end of rotation exams on the 27th, I was so glad to have a weekend free of rotation thoughts and it was so good to unwind. Unfortunately, my relaxation ended when I got the exam results back for the two exams I took. For the non-elective rotations, the preceptor evaluation makes up 60% of the rotation grade, the end of rotation exam makes up 30% and 10% is for completing some tasks and attending callback day. To pass the rotation you must score 75% or higher. My score for the emergency medicine exam came back listed under “raw score” but it seemed more like a percentage from the report sheet so when I calculated my score for the rotation it showed I just passed by a matter of points. After I thought about the report, I started wondering if the raw score was a percentage or if it was a true raw score of the number of questions I answered correctly. Since the test was out of 120 questions, the percentage would be even lower and that would mean failing the rotation. Failing the rotation is bad enough but if I failed a rotation I would also be graduating a few months late because I would have to repeat the rotation.
Once I had this possibility in my mind, I got very nervous within. To me, failing school is a true failure in life. I know this has been a very big obstacle for me especially in the past didactic year and it weighs on me a lot. I become so occupied with not failing because I am so scared it will happen. In the past year, this has been something that I’ve struggled with because the majority of me wants to hand over the control to the Lord but then there’s a small sliver of me that can’t let go of all the accusatory thoughts. Thoughts such as “you don’t deserve to pass,” “everyone is smarter than you,” “you don’t try hard enough,” etc. Even sharing these posts was a big step for me because I feared that people would witness my inability and would maybe see me failing a rotation or not being able to complete PA school. One of the hardest things I had to experience was the fact that no one outside of my classmates knew what I was going through in school, so this was something I had to carry by myself. For the most part I tried not to let this stress show through because I didn’t think it would benefit anyone and I really did pray and commit these thoughts to the Lord every day.
These thoughts come up more strongly some days more than others, but thank the Lord He is my protector and my sustenance. He is capable of protecting my thoughts and providing strength to continue.
It still isn’t confirmed that I passed the rotation, but I am at complete peace. While I was thinking about the possibility of having failed the rotation and needing to be held back a bit, I kept thinking why this would happen. I asked the Lord about it and I didn’t get a clear answer but I was led to pray that His overcoming life would bring me out of my sadness and bring me to know Him more. I think that was more precious than had I just been thankful for completing one rotation.
On most days I wish PA school could be smooth sailing but I know this season of my life has become much more meaningful because through it all I’ve seen how faithful my Lord is and how much He knows me and cares for me.